Orthorexia and the pursuit of accepting imperfection

It's taken me six months to finally press 'publish' on this post. Being open and honest about my journey with food still frightens me because I'm still trying to accept the truth myself.

I wanted to share my story, however, in hopes that other women struggling with an eating disorder or who feel their food choices are ruled by a false anxiety around their weight, realise that they're not alone.

Almost every woman struggles with self-love, self-confidence and self-acceptance. We're all on this road together and I hope by publishing this, it will help others realise that too.

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I couldn't enjoy food without burdening a massive weight of guilt. I had a crippling fear of weight gain.

I praised myself on days I ate less than the number of calories I needed or when I'd skip a meal.

Sometimes, I shamefully binged on food when weeks of deprivation finally broke my self-control.

I punished myself both physically and mentally to justify eating foods that I'd labelled 'unhealthy'.

I hated feeling full.

To the outside world, I looked to be at my physical prime. But on the inside, I was mentally at my lowest.

Although I would have never admitted it then, I was battling Orthorexia.

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Until recently, I’ve avoided labelling and accepting the fact that I have struggled with an eating disorder. I can count on one hand the number of people I'd told about my food habits.

Many people suspected my secret battle but I became good at hiding it behind the facade that I was just health-conscious.

In reality, I was living a nightmare disguised as a daydream.

For those unfamiliar with Orthorexia, it’s not like traditional eating disorders such as Anorexia and is often disregarded as a medical condition - even though it can have the same health-threatening effects.

Simply put, it’s an obsession with eating foods that one considers 'healthy' while systematically avoiding specific foods believed to be 'harmful'.

To the outside world, things look normal. People assume you’re just a healthy person with some even envying your commendable self-control around food.

But so much more goes on behind the scenes.

In early 2017 I started a six-week weight-loss program, determined to finally shape-up and live a healthier lifestyle. As I do with most things, I committed to the program 100 per cent.

I ate everything set out exactly in the diet plan and never missed a workout.

I dropped 15kg in those six weeks.

It was a lot of weight to shred in such a small amount of time but it felt so good to finally have the body I had been trying to get to for years. I learnt so much about nutrition in those six weeks, however, my mistake was that I didn’t let it be a one-off diet.

After the six week challenge, I continued following the diet plan while ramping up my workout routines. I was doing HIIT and circuit training on an empty stomach most mornings followed by only a weight-loss smoothie made with half a banana, some berries, ice and water.

I would hardly eat again until the afternoon and even then, my meals were small and under 300 calories.

This was the start of my Orthorexic journey. I started to categorise the foods I had been eating during the diet as 'healthy' and anything outside of that was, in my mind, 'unhealthy'.

Over the following months, I kept dropping weight – yet I was still not satisfied.

I was weighing in close to 50kg (I'm 173cm) with a BMI under 15. I lost my period, constantly felt faint and was told I was "dangerously malnourished" by my doctor.

Yet I wanted to be thinner. It was a vicious cycle.

I would look in the mirror and still see the chubby teen I was for so many years. I would see only faults in myself.

I remember the moment I finally noticed what I was doing to my body -physically and mentally- was not right. I was in the gym and as I walked to the mat area to stretch I caught view of myself in the mirror. I'm not sure what it was about that particular moment, but for the first time I saw my body for what it really was. Thin, frail and in desperate need of help.

I started eating more and increasing my portion sizes, and although the number on the scales slowly increased, the mental aspect didn’t go away. Food continued to rule my life and the decisions I made.

It sucked and I hated it but that didn't stop the thoughts that haunted me everytime I ate.

They tormented me, heaped guilt onto me and left me terrified of eating.

Identifying the problem was the first step and once I'd come to grips with that, things became easier.

I slowly stopped tracking my calories and made the effort to eat intuitively. There were even days I would have to eat with my eyes closed. I would trick myself into eating more calories by adding things to meals that wouldn't increase the portion size but add extra fats, carbs or protein.

I stopped weighing myself and started re-introducing foods I had previously shunned. I would eat something I was craving then sit quietly alone for some time to learn how to accept the discomfort until it no longer bothered me.

I still make a conscious effort to enjoy foods outside of my usual diet and steer away from categorising foods in my head by regularly practising mindful eating.

I’ve realised that my fears around food and weight are just thoughts.

Every day, I try to view myself the same way I view my friends and loved ones. I would never speak badly of one any of them for enjoying food, so why should I shame myself?

Self-love is key to healing both the mind and body when it comes to eating disorders and it's important to remember that everyone needs to go on their own journey.

Let's not forget the hidden struggles people face everyday. If there's one thing I learnt from my recovery is that every single woman sees imperfections with her body. No one I've met is 100 per cent happy with thier appearance, there's always something we don't have.

You might wish you had one girl's waist but she could be thinking how she wished she had your curves. Everyone's version of healthy is different.

Healthy doesn't mean you weigh a certain weight. I may have fit a certain standard of beauty at 50kg but that wasn't healthy for me.

There's no need to strive for 'perfect' when it comes to food and appearance. It's about the pursuit of accepting imperfection.

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Today, I enjoy food without burdening myself with guilt. I'm not afraid of weight gain.

I don't track my calories or purposely skip meals.

I never punished myself for eating certain foods.

I love feeling full.

My mental health is better than it's ever been and so too is my physical.

I am a recovered Orthorexic.